By The Rev. John Kennedy
In one of his most well-known teachings, Jesus says that “If any want to become my followers, let them deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me. For those who want to save their life will lose it, and those who lose their life for my sake, and for the sake of the Gospel, will save it” (Mark 8:34-35). This call to self-denial is central to Christian discipleship and one of its most challenging aspects.
Throughout history, Christians have responded to this call in different ways. Some have endured persecution, while others have embraced a life of renunciation in monastic communities, taking vows of poverty, chastity, and obedience. They have given up personal ambitions and comforts to live entirely for God.
In our context, Christians do not face persecution for our faith, and few New Canaanites are planning to join a monastery anytime soon. So how do we respond to Jesus’s call to self-denial in our daily lives?
One way is to be generous with our time and resources. To add to that, I might also suggest a more subtle form of self-denial: taming the tongue.
The letter of James warns about the dangers of uncontrolled speech, describing the tongue as a small fire that can set a great forest ablaze (James 3:5). “Every species of beast and bird, reptile and sea creature, has been tamed by humankind,” he writes, “but no one can tame the tongue—a restless evil, full of deadly poison. With it, we bless the Lord and with it, we curse those who are made in the likeness of the Lord. My brothers and sisters, this ought not to be so” (James 3:7-10).
This echoes the wisdom found in Proverbs: “A gentle tongue is a tree of life, but perverseness in it breaks the spirit” (Proverbs 15:4) and “Death and life are in the power of the tongue” (Proverbs 18:21). In Sirach, we read, “Slander has shaken many and scattered them from nation to nation; it has destroyed strong cities and overturned the houses of the great” (Sirach 28:14).
Most of us would agree with these sentiments. A recent New York Times essay (“Gossiping Is Fun. It’s Natural. And These People Won’t Do It” by Michal Leibowitz) cited research showing that two-thirds of Americans believe gossip is bad for society. Yet, gossip remains prevalent. Half of Americans admit to spreading gossip—the other half, of course, are liars. Gossip is everywhere: in our personal lives, workplaces, and society.
For example, rumors about Catherine, the Princess of Wales, spread quickly when she was absent from public events. Speculation about her marriage ran rampant. In reality, she was battling cancer. It’s hard to resist gossip when it seems like everyone is doing it, and it when it offers an easy way to connect with others.
But we know better. Gossip may offer a fleeting sense of belonging, but it often leaves us feeling guilty or ashamed afterward.
In her essay, Leibowitz explores her relationship with gossip and interviews several people who have resolved to abstain from it. She calls them “the abstainers.” Despite being raised in a religious environment that discouraged gossip, she found herself engaging in it freely as an adult. For her, it was fun and a way to bond with colleagues. But she began to notice how much of her conversations involved venting about petty frustrations. This led her to wonder whether gossip was making her more negative and less happy.
One of the abstainers Leibowitz interviewed is a Catholic woman. The Catholic Church teaches against calumny (slander) and detraction (spreading true but negative information about others). This abstainer found many of the Church’s teachings easy to follow, but she struggled with resisting gossip. She admitted using it as a way to avoid self-examination. By focusing on others’ wrongdoings, she didn’t have to look at her own shortcomings. This is something many of us can relate to. Gossip can distract us from our own issues, offering a false sense of relief that doesn’t lead to genuine growth or peace.
James reminds us that words have consequences. They have a life of their own. Words can heal and unite, but they can also injure and divide. Leibowitz found that the abstainers she interviewed had deeper, stronger, and more trusting relationships because they refrained from gossip. She was struck by their positivity and commitment to seeing the best in others, not the worst.
This is what Jesus calls us to: to see every human being, no matter how difficult they might be, as someone made in the image of God. Can you imagine Jesus gossiping? It’s difficult to picture it. We experience him as the perfect embodiment of wisdom and compassion. There is no room for gossip in the presence of divine love.
Gossiping might be natural, but there is a greater joy and a fuller life available to us, greater than the fleeting pleasure of “spilling the tea.” This deeper joy is expressed in the Wisdom of Solomon: “In every generation, wisdom passes into holy souls and makes them friends of God and prophets, for God loves nothing so much as the person who lives with wisdom” (Wisdom 7:27-28).
Perhaps today, we can resolve to “talk the talk” by following Jesus in this call to deny our small, insecure, gossiping selves so that we might experience more of the fullness of life to which He calls us.
The choice to abstain from gossip might seem small, but it is in these small choices that our character is formed and our faith is lived out. Let us strive to use our words wisely, to build up rather than tear down, to bless rather than curse. May we remember that we are called to be lights in the world, reflecting the love and grace of Jesus.
John Kennedy joined St. Mark’s as Associate Rector in 2023, previously serving at St. Paul’s in Cleveland Heights, Ohio, and Kent School in Connecticut. Ordained in 2019, John was sponsored for ordination by St. Mark’s. He has a Bachelor’s in Contemporary Writing and Production from Berklee College of Music and a Master’s from Yale. John, a New Canaan native, enjoys music, spiritual practice, hiking, and spending time with his wife, Emma, an Assistant Professor at Villanova University.
