By John Kriz
The New Canaan community has rapidly come together to provide support, care and encouragement to the many people in town affected by the tragic death by suicide of a New Canaan High School student. Two of those initiatives are one led by the New Canaan Public Schools, and the other jointly by Silver Hill Hospital and Community Baptist Church.
Community Response to Crisis
One of the key community issues was how to talk effectively with those affected – especially children. The New Canaan Public Schools (NCPS) addressed this need in part through heavily attended talks by Maria Trozzi, a well-regarded expert on building resilience among families, schools, and communities that are facing crises. She is a former assistant professor of developmental pediatrics at Boston University School of Medicine, co-founder of the Good Grief Program at Boston Medical Center, a consultant to the Child Development Unit at Children’s Hospital, and author of “Talking With Children About Loss,” which NCPS Superintendent Bryan Luizzi called “an essential reference for folks who are trying to navigate these really challenging and complex waters, with ourselves and with our kids.”
NCPS has also deployed counselors, emotional support animals and other tools to help those in need. Various houses of worship and civic organizations have also taken action.
Building Resilience in Kids
Ms. Trozzi began her remarks, entitled “Building Resilience in Kids When They Face Difficult Situations and Challenging Times,” by noting that “None of us, necessarily, comes knowing how to support youngsters when they have to face a stressful life event,” going on to note that “the best way we can protect our children is to know how they understand whatever the stressful life event is, how they understand it, what we can expect they might feel about it, and then how we can support them in their understanding, and in the way they feel about it.”
As a starting point, she suggested that schools should do “what schools do naturally, which is provide structure. And so the line is, ‘It’s structure as usual’ — probably not business as usual, but it’s structure as usual.” And that “we’re going to face this together.”
While there can be instinctual thoughts from parents to shield their children from such a tragedy, Ms. Trozzi notes that “our kids are going to digest this information, the death of a peer to suicide, either with us or without us. And of course, we know that it’s better for them if they digest it with us.”
Four Coping Skills
How to do this? How to help children digest such an event? Ms. Trozzi recommends four coping skills, the first being Understanding, which she termed “the hardest.” This “requires honest age-appropriate information.” This is because “children at different developmental ages and stages make sense of their world differently.”
The second task is Grieving. While this includes sadness, it also can include “anger, and perhaps worry, and perhaps confusion.” And grieving can stir a child up “in a big way depending on my age and stage and how I understand what happened.” As well, “no youngster wants to meet with somebody she’s never known, but people who know them already.” And this is where teachers, faculty, coaches, counselors and parents come in. Ms. Trozzi suggests “we listen more than we talk. And if you are the parent of an adolescent, you’ve already figured that out that this doesn’t work so much. But really leaning in and not trying to fix it because you can’t fix it, but you can listen. It’s really powerful to just let your youngster know you’re listening.”
The third task is Commemorating. In addition to wakes and funerals, there are many informal ways. These include “anniversaries of death and it’s telling stories, and it might be writing in a journal or drawing. I love the stories we hear.” Another way is to “open your home, you say, ‘Bring a few of your friends in and I’ll get pizza for you.’” And if there is a formal service, attend with your child.
The fourth task is Going On. “And very simply stated, it’s what happens after this? What happens going forward?” Ms. Trozzi notes that “these stressful life events that your youngster faces in school will help to inform the coping skills that he or she will take as she grows on.” Furthermore, as to what comes next, she advocates “Making sure that as we talk about the understanding of what suicide is or what death is, making sure that if there’s something that can be learned that we do our best to position ourselves so our youngster can learn it.”
Age-Appropriate Conversations about Death
As well, word choice matters. Ms. Trozzi notes that when “I’m talking to families where there’s an elementary child, the language that I will use, what I know about how a three-year-old versus a six-year-old versus a nine-year-old versus a 14-year-old versus as an adult will understand a death and the specific death of suicide changes.” She cautions that adults need to be “prepared about how young children understand death.” A four year old will likely not understand the finality of death, or what could come next for the deceased. But “children from nine to twelve, as they make sense of death, it’s the first time that they have an adult understanding that death is final. It’s irreversible and it’s universal.” Ms. Trozzi concludes with the advice that, “when there’s a stressful life event in your family, whether it’s Uncle Henry’s death or a move that nobody wants to make, or sadly a divorce or a new diagnosis that has implications of chronicity, we know that how you respond to it is really important.”
The nine to twelve age range is when children begin to be interested in death rituals and the afterlife. While we all have beliefs, Ms. Trozzi says that “what’s most important is not to give them yours if they ask, but to turn it back to them and say, ‘Just tell me what you believe and we can talk about this.’” Teens tend to separate more from parents, and are “more available to be emotive and I’m sure you already know that firsthand, that emotions are big on the part of our adolescents and they express it in their own indomitable style. And you get to understand how their temperament and how hormones and puberty and all of that figures into the ups and downs of being an adolescent.” They can also have visions of immortality, which a death shatters. There is more curiosity about existential issues. Ms. Trozzi recommends that “what matters is that I create an environment where those questions can be asked.”
Understanding the Adolescent Brain and
Ms. Trozzi says that we should be aware “about how immature the adolescent brain is, particularly in regard to good problem-solving and in terms of impulsivity.” She notes that is can be difficult for adolescents to act appropriately. Her message “to every adolescent who’s trying to sort out adolescent suicide is to be able to say that whatever inside you are feeling, whatever feels that it’s formidable, whatever the problem is, whatever the isolation might be, whatever you think the problem could be going forward, you need to ask for help. It starts — problem-solving starts — by saying, ‘I need some help here.’”
Ms. Trozzi tells of a head of school, who begins the school year by telling the freshmen that “No one on this campus worries alone.” It’s a solid message. “Our message is always not to worry alone. Our message is that there’s no problem that when we divide it into smaller problems we can’t solve. And I’m the person to help you do it. Even if it’s a shame-based problem, even if it’s a secret you’ve kept for years or you’ve kept for days or you’ve kept for months, even if it’s something that could make me really angry, absolutely, all of that gets pushed aside, and I am here to help you sort this out together. And that’s our job. That’s my job as a parent. That’s my job as a coach. That’s my job as a pastor to be available to get you the help that you need.”
Wrapping up, Ms. Trozzi stressed that “we don’t want to ever glorify the behavior” of suicide. Or in the words of Supt. Luizzi, “all feelings are okay, but all behaviors are not.” Rather, the message is that whatever the issue, we can discuss it. The door is open. Community matters. You matter. We see you. We want to help.
Grounding in Hope
New Canaan’s Silver Hill Hospital, in partnership with Community Baptist Church on Cherry Street, held a “Roundtable Discussion About Mental Health, Faith, Hope and the Power of Community” on September 19. This convivial gathering, held in the church’s fellowship hall, had been scheduled weeks earlier, the timing and topic both being fortuitous.
The roundtable discussion included Andrew Gerber MD, Silver Hill’s president and medical director; Cheryl Bundy, Silver Hill’s chaplain; Petra Pilgrim MD, Director of Steward House at Silver Hill, which is a transitional living program focused on the treatment of executives and professionals; and Lamond Daniels, Chief of Community Services for the City of Norwalk. Rev. Gilbert Burgess, Community Baptist’s pastor, hosted the event, which began with an informal meal and an opportunity for conversation and ‘getting to know you’ – in keeping with the ‘Power of Community’ theme. Pastor Burgess’s greeting to most everyone seemed to be “We’re glad you’re here.”
Themes of Connection and Support
The formal program began with everyone singing “We Shall Overcome,” led by Weston-based singer and actress Kimberly Wilson, who followed with her taking on the persona of Maya Angelou, recounting her life journey.
The panel kicked off with Mr. Daniels posing the question “How do we define hope?” Answering his own question, he said “I think we can’t. We have to ask people what does hope mean to them?” In some cases it’s physical safety, in others it’s school closings. Dr. Pilgrim observed that “the most difficult cases I have are those in which people don’t feel as if they have support at home. They’re going through a transition of career, maybe into retirement. Their kids are grown up, they may or may not have grandkids, but they don’t feel needed anymore and they don’t feel worth anything anymore. And so that’s what we center a lot of the work on is helping them to find that purpose and meaning again so that they can get in touch with hope.” She concluded that “Hope is the possibility that there is something in the day for you.”
Taking the point further, Dr. Gerber stressed that ”everything stems from connection to other people.”
Addressing Loneliness
The US Surgeon General has spoken of the epidemic of loneliness, but the panel observed that loneliness is not necessarily about not being with people, but about not being seen, with the earlier Maya Angelou performance often striking that theme: Being seen.
On that point, Mr. Daniels shared a personal story about one of his children during COVID. He spoke of “just watching my daughter struggle on that laptop with the teacher and wow, I’m feeling a little emotional right now because just recently she was talking about ‘I don’t know how to make friends’ and she’s 10.” Later Mr. Daniels spoke of the challenge of getting back into the “natural rhythm” of connecting with people.
An audience member added that when she was young you went outside and played with your friends, and now she has to teach her grandson how to do that. “Everyone’s on their device.”
Faith and Self-Love
Faith was reviewed as well in supporting wellness in all its forms, with the Biblical admonition to ‘Love your neighbor as yourself’ being cited. But to do this the necessary precondition is ‘loving yourself,’ which can a challenge. To address that, the concept of grace was discussed, with it being noted that grace is ‘Unmerited favor’ – a gift, neither earned nor deserved – with forgiveness being a large part of that or, as Dr. Pilgrim termed it, “having compassion for ourselves.”
Rediscovering Community
In the end the message seemed to focus on the value of making and building connections – with an emphasis on ‘face mail rather than email.’ As Thomas Merton, a Trappist monk and author, wrote in “Love and Living,” “we do not find the meaning of life by ourselves alone – we find it with another.” Given the recent trauma that has affected New Canaan, the value of community – be it pickleball groups, churches, civic organizations or just meeting friends for coffee – in healing and growth is being rediscovered, with this humble panel in a church basement being but one step.
For now we see through a glass, darkly; but then face to face: now I know in part; but then shall I know even as also I am known.
1 Corinthians 13:12
